The Hijack Story

Well it all began when I boarded a Jumbo Jet at Kennedy Airport. I was sat in an isle seat in the aircraft and I was settling down with my walkman and suddenly who should I see but my old pal Jack Berrisford, not thinking I jumped up and shouted HI JACK, next minute a gun appeared at my chest and a security guard took me to the brig and kept me there till we got to Heathrow. Next time I’ll say HI BILL, HI JOE anything but HI JACK.

JJ.

When East Met The Cobra

Hong kong early in the morning, Thread Needle Street was quieter than usual all of a sudden four Triads jumped me. Instinctively I drew my hands back, I got the first Triad in the eyes, he went down like a brick. I quickly turned on the second and put his eyes out with a reverse cobra. The other two Triads wisely ran for their lives. Yes the Triads met the Cobra and yes, I was that man.

JJ.

How JJ came to grief at a Ten Pin Bowling alley

Well some time ago, JJ went Ten Pin Bowling at the Greyhound Park. Well that was OK till I found I couldn’t let go of the ball. Well all of a sudden I was making very fast then it happened. I fell through the machinery – instantly I was plunged into darkness and dropped sixteen feet into a black abyss. Then – eventually I got released by the fire brigade and the management barred me. Well you can imagine, my head was splitting and I did not know where I was. I woke up in a chicken coup full of squawking chickens. The farmer aimed his gun at me. “I’ve caught you” he said, “You’ve been mucking about with my chickens haven’t you” he said. “No” I said, “I’ve been ten pin bowling and went down the machine” I said. “I’m sorry” said the farmer. Then made me breakfast and drove me home.

JJ.

How I nearly had a tour of the sewer or a disaster in a superloo

It was a hot summers day and I was burstin for a loo. I came across a monstrosity off Brook Street. I put my money in an the door opened, the music played I sat down with great relief. Then it turned to panic all of a sudden the pan started to go backwards. I pressed the alarm button, IM glad I did. All of a sudden I went further and further into the abyss. The whirring blades were getting closer. I thought this is it, a tour of the sewer. Then the fire brigade came and shut off the power just in time. Never again will I use a superloo.

JJ. is signing off now.

How I was extinguished at The Old Queens Head

I was very extinguished from the Old Queen’s Head. Yes it was a summer’s day and I was passing the Old Queen’s Head public house and I decided to go inside. Well, I was sat down at a table and took out my pipe to light it. It was a bit difficult to, light at first. Put that down to being blocked. I thought no more about it, then, all of a sudden, it was on fire, so was I, so was the chair. Next minute I was being put out in a nice way. Foam everywhere.

JJ.

Pigeon Trouble for JJ

Yes, Big trouble. Pigeons no less, cooin’. Doing what pigeons do all night long an daytime too. Doing what pigeons do. Well I went out and bought a bottle of Napoleon brandy and a box of peanuts. This will fix those pesky pigeons, I said. I mixed the peanuts and brandy put them on the ground, the pigeons came out of the sky and ate the peanuts, got very drunk, went over on their backs – did a version of a drunk cyclist.

I came along with the priest, to finish them off. Hey guess what.

I have no more bird trouble.

JJ.